Mission Files: Ninja Secrets
by WeAllFlyHigh
Summary: One ninja is sent on a series of missions all with the same purpose find out what every fan girl and hater want to know: What's their dirty little secret? Mostly crack but you're curious aren't you?
1. Introductions

Introductions & Advertisements

First things first, I'dlike you all to meet Hitomi my OC. Say hello Hitomi.

"Hello everyone."

Hitomi is investigating what ninjas do.

"No I'm not. They already know what ninjas do if they're reading Naruto Fanfiction."

I _know_ that and I would have _explained_ that** if** you didn't interrupt me.

"Geez, don't flip out on me."

I didn't flip out on you. I'm just really annoyed that my OC isn't behaving.

"What are you my mother?"

Well I did create you. So yeah, I am.

"Fine. Now will you get on with it."

…

"Please"

She'll be investigating what they do in their spare time. You know behind the scenes and behind closed doors.

"Pervert."

`-' You're the one doing it. Some of the things may surprise and shock you so be forewarned.

"Can I go now?"

You don't have anywhere to go right now. I'll send you on one soon. However, if anyone is curious as to what their favorite ninjas are doing you can hire Hitomi. The cost of a mission is _only_ one review.

"Oh don't get on your knees and beg."

I'm not. But remember it is a great way to get attention.

Read & Review

AN: The story will probably change into third person POV with more than just dialouge.


	2. The 1st Mission with Time Travel

**In an undisclosed location**

**In a pure white room**

**On a couch**

Hitomi was watching cartoon re-runs while stuffing herself full of chocolate coco puffs. Her creator peered into the room.

"Hitomi…_Hitomi_ are you alive? You have a mission. You can be a prev and annoy people at the same time with this… Hitomi? Ok that's it." Out of seemingly no where the remote appeared and the TV shut off.

"What the-! What happened?" Hitomi whipped around and glared at the remote. "I thought the remote was destroyed."

"No I just took it away from you."

"Why would you do that? Do you know what I have to do to get by without it?"

"Actually stand up to change the channel."

"Yeah!" she shouted as if that was a terrible crime against humanity…or puppies. "Being that close to the TV while channel surfing will ruin my eyes. I need those if I'm going to be sent out on missions, if that ever happens!"

"Well then it's a good thing you've gotten one before your eyes went bad."

Hitomi stopped dead. "Who, what, and where?"

"You should add when."

"Why?"

"Well our employer has asked for something on people who are dead."

"Oh really, well I guess I should just hop in my time machine and get to it," she wielded the sharp sword of sarcasm violently. "This is real life the only way I could do that is with a whole bunch of boring research. No way. Tell 'em we refuse," she stated as she focused again on the TV.

"I already accepted. But you're right we're not doing any research for this."

"Ok crazy, are you just going to fill this with bickering?"

"No. I'm not even going to acknowledge you insulted me and instead I'll show you my time machine."

Hitomi peered over the couch. "Since when do we have a time machine?"

"I have a time machine and that's all you need to know." A large object covered in a white sheet rolled into the room. "Behold," the sheet was whipped off, "the first ever wearable time machine!"

"That's a TUTU!"

The dark blue tutu was carefully removed from its large glass case. "It's made to look like a tutu. It's-"

"No. No. No. No! I'm not wearing a tutu on a _top secret under cover_ mission. It'll totally give me away!"

"It's not like you have to wear it 24/7. Get there and take it off. Put it back on, come back and take it off again." The two young women glared at each other until lightening arched between them. Hitomi was the first to look away.

"How do you even know it works?"

"Testing."

Hitomi huffed knowing that was all she was going to get. She grumbled, "How does it work?"

A grin cut across the creator's face. "Once you have it on, you spin, and it needs to be a ballerina spin, to the right once, and only once, while saying the place and date you want to go. To get back you do the same thing reversed. Say the date and place you want and spin to the left. If you don't say you want to return here I won't be able to recharge it and you'll be stuck where you went for the rest of your life. So no funny business."

"Fine anything else I need to know, like the date and place and what I'm actually supposed to do when I get there?"

She was answered by a nod and a "follow me." Hitomi shuffled over to the door but stopped when she noticed she wasn't being followed.

"What are you doing?"

"Just what it looks like, preventing you and anyone else from doing any funny things. Go ahead without me." Hitomi left while chains were being wrapped around the glass case, which had already been put in a steel box and melted shut.

Hitomi tore off the sparkly tutu as soon as she blue light that had been surrounded her disappeared. She looked around before slipping on an ANBU mask that looked like a dog. So this was how Konoha looked about, Hitomi did some math, about 20 years ago. Not much of a difference.

Time to find the targets.

She stayed to the shadows and skirted around areas with houses so she could go as unnoticed as possible. She slowly made her way to the one place that would have the information she would need, the Hokage Tower. It would be risky, some of Konohas legendary ninja were alive and in the village, but it was the only to get back in time for the sponge bob marathon. It wasn't like she'd just run across them.

"Don't hurt him!" Hitomi couldn't resist the sound of a boys cry. She scanned to find where it came from. "How did you even get him?" There, in a side alley by the movie theater. She jumped to the roof beside it and peered down.

Below were three kids. They all wearing Konoha headbands and were dressed as ninja. Two were boys and the other was a girl. The boys were facing each other. The one with black hair was the one who had yelled at the silver haired one.

Silver hair sounded bored when he answered, "It was easy. When we picked you up we brought him along."

Black hair replied, "Why would you need him too? What's the point?"

"Sensei wants us to bond so we're bonding now."

"That doesn't explain why you kidnapped us."

"If we had told you the time you would have been late and having your teddy bear as a hostage assures you'll cooperate."

"I don't-"

"That's enough Kakashi give it back to him." The brunet girl interrupted. She had her hands on the theaters wall and her body still faced it but she turned her head to look at the boys. Kakashi tossed the bear to the black haired kid. "Now come here you have to see this."She moved away from a crack in the wall and Kakashi peered in. For a moment all the kids were quiet.

Wait, Hitomi thought. Kakashi, he's cute now but he becomes such a hottie when he grows up. She chuckled to herself and thought about kidnapping and taking home. The tutu's waist was stretchy; it could fit around them both. But she was told that this was a tricky mission. She couldn't interfere with the past or it could affect the future and the mission would be called a failure for her even if she did get what the client asked for.

Wait a minute, mission, client, and little Kakashi. Hitomi reached into her pocket and fished out a folded paper. She opened it and read the mission details. Oh yeah, these were her targets.

Kakashi moved away from the hole. He was unaffected by whatever he had seen, almost. He now had a nose bleed. Hitomi knew that if there's anything to be learned from reading manga it was that if guys don't get hit but they have nose bleeds they've seen something perverted. She wanted to see it too, for the sake of the mission.

"We shouldn't be here. This is wrong," Obito said.

Rin faced him with a smile. "No it's not. It's perfectly natural."

"Rin you're want to be a respected medic, right? How will it look if we're caught peeping on an adult movie."

Kakashi cut in, "If you keep your voice down that won't happen."

"Beside," Rin said calmly, "I'm learning a lesson here."

"You're learning something from watching Sensei and his wife make out." Obito wasn't buying it.

"Yes. It's the most important lesson for a medic;" The boys waited to hear what this important lesson was, "how babies are made."

Obito dropped to the ground and jumped back up. "Who are you kidding? You're just being a perv."

Rin defended herself, "No I'm not. Sensei's just teaching me without knowing it."

"Keep your voice down," Kakashi reminded them.

Obito turned to him. "You're just as bad as she is."

Rin snorted, "No Kakashi's just here to bond with us."

"Yeah right," both Obito and Hitomi said.

Hitomi continued watching them take turns peeping before she got bored. Why do they get to watch? They were just kids. They shouldn't even know about this stuff. I should do them a favor and protect their little minds from themselves. But how can I do that. A grin split across her face as the idea came.

She formed the needed hand signs; boar, dog, bird, monkey, and ram. She bit her thumb to get it to bleed and dropped it to the ground. Smoke appeared and a gust of wind blew it into her face. She chocked as she tried not to cough. Her eyes watered and she fell to her hands and knees. One hand grasped her throat as she fought the urge.

Suddenly something landed on her back throwing her off balance and into the ground. She flung it off and it crashed in a tree.

"What was that?" Hitomi heard Obito say.

"Oh you poor little squirrel," said Rin.

Oh _crap_, Hitomi thought. I flung my summon down there. As she scuttled to the edge and was about to peer over the squirrel ran up and almost crashed into her. The freaked out fuzzy one and started to squeak at her. She quickly covered its mouth and pointed one finger towards the kids as another covered her lips in the universal shhh sign.

"Should we follow it?" Obito asked

"Why would we follow a squirrel?" Kakashi remarked.

The squirrel was still glaring at Hitomi. "It was an accident," she apologized. "Now I need you to do something for me. Don't look at me like that. Why did you think I summoned you in the first place? Just listen to the plan and then do it."

The squirrel, although he was annoyed, agreed to the plan, and it began. (He is very dedicated to his job.)

Hitomi quickly cloned herself and sent the clone off. It was dangerous to send the clone off on her own but it had to be done. Hitomi couldn't risk herself getting caught. Not in that market place. The people of Konoha might be nice and merciful most of the time. But you _do not_ want to _ever_ get in the way of a ninja mom and a good sale.

Meanwhile the squirrel scurried down a tree and began his part. He quickly set up three ropes and tied just the right knot to set the trap. (He is a master knot maker, most squirrels are.)

Pretty soon the clone and the squirrel were back on the roof. Hitomi no longer needed them so she sent them away. Then she peered over the ledge to make sure the kids were not paying attention, they weren't, and she put the plan into action.

She lit the fuse and let the firework drop. It landed screaming and sparking in front of the three kids. Predictably they stepped back and that was all that was needed. All three were pulled up by their feet and they dangled from a trees branch.

Moments later Minto Namikaze appeared. He was ready to fight but he relaxed when he saw his students. Then as an after thought he was serious again. "What are you three doing?" He questioned as he moved towards them.

The kids reactions were mixed. Kakashi just stared, probably a little stunned at his seneis croaked clothes. Obito sputtered and moved his arms as he tried to explain but he only succeeded in making himself spin wildly. Rin bit her lip and looked away.

"Well?" Minto raised one eyebrow and looked around. "Did you make that crack in the wall?" He was not very happy with his students right now. "Tell me you did not damage one of Konohas greatest establishments for a prank."

Rin gasped and pointed at his neck, "Sensei, what happened you have an injury on your neck?"

Hitomi crawled forward a bit more to get a good look at his _injury_.

"It's nothing. Answer-"

"Do you want me to heal it? It's pretty big. It could get infected. That would be very bad considering where it is.'

"No Kushina-"

"Your wife did that to you? Sensei you should tell someone about this right away."

"Tell them about what?" Kushina had just appeared at the allys enterence. Her clothes were put on right but her hair was a mess. Behind her a crowd of people started to gather.

"Nothing." Minto replied with a blush while cutting his students down. He probably didn't want to discuss his hickey in front of the whole village.

Rin didn't stop her innocent act. "What happened in there Kushina-san?"

Kushina blinked at the girl and then shared a meaningful glance with her husband, or fiancé or something Hitomi couldn't be sure what exactly they were at this time. "Oh we watched a movie. What else do you do in a movie theater?" Kushina started to lead them away. The manager had started to move toward them and none of them felt like sticking around for a tongue lashing.

"Oh," Rin said, "Was it a good movie?"

To her credit, Kushina barely blushed at all. "Master Jiraiya gave it five stars."

Regretfully Hitomi could not follow due to the crowd below. So she watched the people and tried to guess at who they were.

The mission folder closed. "In short, Obito has a teddy bear and was kidnapped by Kakashi. Who, interestingly, was not as much of a pervert as Rin or Rin was making him into a pervert, depending on your point of view. Rin was a pervert who was very good at acting innocent. Kushina and Minto make out in movie theaters while dirty moves play."

"Is that enough for you, Sora, or should we dig a little deeper?"

AN: I forgot the disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.

* The middle wasn't as funny as I wanted it to be but I tried. I really tried.

*This chapter actually takes place about 16 years in the past, give or take a couple months. Also, I don't have and can't find any maps of Konoha before the nine tails attacked so I have to assume they rebuilt it exactly the same because that's the only way I can be as accurate as possible.

*The word of this chapter was PEERED: (verb) 1 to look narrowly or searchingly, as in the effort to discern clearly, 2 to peep out or appear slightly, 3 to come into view.

* You may noticed the selected characters changed. That will happen (probably) for every chapter.


	3. A Mission Break and an AN

**A Mission Break and an AN**

*Idon't own Naruto. If I did I wouldn't be stuck in a oven of a class room all day.

*Speaking Of classrooms school has started so unfortunately updates will take longer.

*This was made to tide you over. It's not my best. But my first day was… it kinda really sucked.

* But I will not be defeated. I am still working on the requests I got, _all_ of them. But I want you to know if you request more than one mission at a time I will do one and then there may be some other in between.

*With that I leave you with my crankiness and an annoying Hitomi.

**In an undisclosed location,**

**In a pitch black room,**

**Surrounded by homework,**

Hitomis creator and master was cradling her head in her hands.

How can they do this to was? Read chapter one

"You know I just realized you never described me or you to them."

Just now? My, you're slow.

I'm not- never mind. Why haven't you described us?

I have my reasons.

…..

And they are?

I've left it up to them to imagine you how they want. It makes it more fun.

Really?

Yeah. As far as they know you could look exactly like them. So it's as if they have an alternate reality version of themselves.

But I have my own looks. I don't want to be like a a Barbie to them.

Stop whining. How you look isn't written in stone. There is tons of stuff that can change that. _Hair dye_, for example.

What about my skin tone?

You can go get a tan or stay out of the sun.

What if I'm black?

Michel Jackson was.

Fine, you win but don't you at least care.

No. I have tons of stuff to do; homework, housework, work work. If they're enjoying this I'm not going to waste my time ruining it.

What about you? Don't you at least care about yourself?

I haven't even named myself in most chapters. Besides I can't go describing myself to them. It's dangerous. I don't want a stalker or something.

Who would want to stalk you?

I don't know. It's just precautions.

Meaning your mom is interfering.

Please, she doesn't even know my pen name.

I want a description.

You little ungrateful brat. Do you want the truth? I haven't even decided on how you look myself.

Hitomi gasped and slowly fell to the ground twitching. Her creator just massaged her forehead and stepped over her on her way out.


	4. The things yaoi fangrils dream about

WARNING: This chapter includes yaoi. If you don't like it, I understand. You can skip this chapter or read something else. However, you have been warned so your right to whine or complain has been taken away.

SasuNaru

**In an undisclosed location,**

**In a pure white room,**

**On the couch, again,**

Hitomi lay senseless with some drool leaking out of her mouth. The TV was off but she was staring at it. This was all the tutus fault. She had gotten to do what others had only dreamed about. She had gone back to the past and she came back the same day she left. She was relatively unharmed. But none of that mattered.

The tutu had been too late. She had returned just in time to see SpongeBob's end credits scroll across the screen. She had missed the marathon she had waited weeks for. How could she face her fellow fans when they talked about the joy of watching it and knowing that she had missed it? Plus, if they found out she would be humiliated. Her life was officially over. She was in hell.

To top it off the devil, who just loved torturing her, just walked in. "That's enough already. No more sulking. We have a client I want you to meet."

Hitomi glared defiantly at the devil. "No."

The devil glared back. Then she reached for the cord around her neck and brought a bright red whistle to her lips. "Last chance." Hitomi tried to create eye beams out of her glare to melt the cursed whistle. The whistle shrieked. Ten burly men dashed into the room. They were dressed almost completely in black but they had white blank masks. There were no differences between them that she Hitomi could see. "Clean her up boys. Just make sure she isn't any more senseless when you're done." The devil pointed to Hitomi and the men rushed her.

One of the men threw a bucket of cold water on her while the rest pulled brushes, combs, mirrors, and compacts out of nowhere. Then Hitomi's torture began. They tugged Hitomi's hair and scrapped her face clean. Then they covered it with irritating makeup. Only when they were satisfied did they let her escape the fashion tornado.

Hitomi babbled senselessly before spitting out, "I- I thought they were security." The devil nodded with a smirk on her face. "So what was that?"

The devil was still spinning the whistle, ready to call them back. "They're so talented. I would call them the best but then I'd probably have to pay them more. Now come on our client has been waiting very patiently." Hitomis eyebrow twitched.

Hitomi was pushed and shoved, fighting all the way, into another room. This one was completely blue. Granted there were different shades of blue but it was still all blue. She was forced into a swivel chair. She hissed in pain, her legs hurt from towel burn. She was going to kill the man that had dried her using so much speed and force.

"Miss Y, this is the operative I told you about, Hitomi. She just returned from a difficult mission. So I hope you can forgive her for being so late." Said operative inspected the mysterious Miss Y. She was wearing a long dark brown trench coat that reached up to her nose and down to her toes. Her blonde hair was messily tucked into a matching hat. The disguise was… Well let's just say Hitomi had seen better, much better.

Like the time she was deep into enemy territory searching for a dinosaur femur that had been stolen from a museum right before they were going to do a showcase on this dino's skeleton. She had stopped at a bathhouse to try and eavesdrop on the suspects only to discover that an enemy ninja had been disguised as a very cute sparkly pink rubber ducky. This led into a deadly battle where Hitomi had to fight both the ninja and the force of gravity to keep her towel up and stay alive.

The devil shook Hitomi out of memory. "Hitomi this is Miss Y. She would like our assistance with getting some_ information_ on someone." Information, code for blackmail. Hitomi felt a smirk creep onto her face.

"I'd be happy to help." After they discussed the basics; who, where, yada yada, and the form of payment, Hitomi was free to start.

Currently, she had spotted her target and was stalking, that is to say following, him everywhere. Nothing interesting had happened yet.

He slept in (lucky), ate an unhealthy breakfast (lucky), and went out to talk to anyone and everyone he came across (weird). It was nearly impossible to lose him so Hitomi let her thoughts drift.

I deserve some kind of payback for missing the marathon. Should I demand something from her? No I already get free food. If I push it she could lock me in a closet, refuse to feed me, and make me do all the house work. But one day a letter would arrive by owl and it would tell me I'm a witch and I've been accepted to Hogwarts. Hitomi shook her head, wrong series. I'll just dye her hair pink or something.

Since the roof tiles were starting to dig into her ribs Hitomi shifted and looked back at the street. Nowhere to be seen, she thought lazily. She stiffened and shot up. She lost him. How could she lose him? How was she going to explain this? 'I know he was so easy to find and I tracked him for hours. But then I got to thinking about pink hair and wizards.' She was going to die.

Her eyes darted around the streets so fast it blurred into a senseless mess. She was getting dizzy and starting to sway when her eyes found him. Heading towards the forest at the edge of the village, was a bright flash of orange.

Hitomi sighed and grinned. "B-I-N-G-O." However she was going to lose him if she didn't act fast. She needed to be able to fly over these roof tops but that was impossible. So she decided on the next best thing. In moments an adorable little flying squirrel was sitting at her feet.

She gently cradled it in her hands and softly whispered to it, "See that guy follow him. I'll catch up." She smiled at its big eyes and fuzzy face. Then she moved the squirrel so it was only in one of her hands and coked her arm back. She brought one foot up and slammed it down while bringing her arm forward. The squirrel's eyes bulged as it realized it was flying towards a tree at top speed. It happened so fast it couldn't be avoided.

Hitomi gaped for a second. "Who taught these flying squirrels how to fly?" She cupped her hand around her mouth and shouted encouragingly, "Come on get up! That's right what a trooper you are!" Hitomi raced to catch up.

It turns out squirrels aren't good trackers, but Hitomi managed. After a few minutes of searching she spotted the targets jacket hanging off a tree branch. It looked like he had just hung it up.

Hitomi pondered this for a few moments. Maybe he was hiding it. Not that it was a good hiding spot but he wasn't the brightest light bulb. Then again, why would he even want to hide his jacket? She gasped. Could it be? Was it even possible? He wouldn't… but maybe. No. Yes it's the only possible explanation. That so called sage really got to him. He was streaking.

She immediately started scanning for his chakra. She needed to find him. She had to verify her suspicion. She slipped out her camera and got it ready. Pictures would be the best kind of proof.

After a few minutes of intense scanning for his chakra she found him but he wasn't alone.

She could see light piercing through the trees. There had to be some sort of clearing ahead. That could mean he was fighting but she didn't think that was the case. This was going to be dangerous. She had to hide herself. She couldn't face off against either one of the clearings occupants. Not because she wasn't strong enough but she wouldn't be able to even scratch them. To mar either of their faces would be some sort of great crime to all of womanhood, and honestly a portion of manhood.

She dug through her pockets for a tool to help her. Nothing. This wouldn't be a problem if 'my boss' wasn't such a cheap scape, she thought. Oh well, might as well risk my life for a few pictures. Journalists do it every day and they don't have any super cool ninja tricks. But if they did, she had to stifle her laughter, and the stars think the paparazzi is bad now. No one would be able to escape them. I guess that's why 'ninja' is a career available only in a hidden village. Anyway, I guess I have to choice. She inched closer and stuck her camera lens through the brush. She would have to look through it but that guaranteed better pictures without being detected. She could only hope it wouldn't get damaged.

What she saw almost made her drop the camera.

Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke were both incredibly strong and handsome, or whichever other word you'd prefer. They both had played their part in the most dramatic and emotional moments of the whole series. They had hundreds, actually more like millions, of fans worldwide and those fans would fight anyone to the death for their idol. Obviously, they weren't interested in any of those fans.

Uzumaki Naruto and Uchiha Sasuke were sitting on a mossy log with their hands in each others shirts. Their lips were meeting with an almost desperate urgency as they tried to kiss the other senseless.

Hitomi would have never have guessed that they… Well to be perfectly honest she might have believed it about Sasuke; it was the whole emotionless thing he did, he never seemed really interested in anything but his brother. That sounded so wrong. But really, who would have thought it about Naruto? He had this _huge_ crush on Sakura for _years_. Maybe another ninja would have faked it but not Naruto. He didn't seem capable of tricking anyone for any amount of time and even if he could why would he? It didn't make sense.

But was this a bad thing? Kissing is always nice even if you weren't the one doing it. That's why people gush over movie kisses, right? Plus, one hot guy is great, two hot guys is fantastic, so logically two hot guys kissing is out of this world.

Sasuke and Naruto complement each other too. One was dark and the other was light. What fangirl could be mad at this? Really, it's not like they could really be paired with everyone, though that would be a huge harem and harems aren't always bad. So the best thing is that they end up with each other.

Wait. Am I turning into a yaoi fangirl? Is that a bad thing? Hitomi peaked through the camera. It didn't look like a bad thing.

Finally when blood started to trickle to her lips Hitomi started to snap some pictures.

Both her creator and Miss Y stared at the pictures senselessly. Was it so supervising that they had the hots for each other? The way those two fought you would think someone would at least be a little suspicious.

"Well I… I believe this should be good enough for you Miss Y," the boss mumbled.

"Oh yeah, I just never…knew. It's really surprising." Miss Y didn't look like she was handling the new very well. She seemed really disappointed and a little heartbroken.

"You must have the worst gay-o-meter out of all the girls, Miss Y," Hitomi stated matter of factly, "Really, first Sasuke and then Sai. And don't even try to say you expected this out of Naruto. At this rate you'll only ever fall for gay guys and then you'll end up all alone for the rest of your life with only cats to keep you company."

The room grew darker and flames licked around Miss Y's feet. The longer Hitomi carried on the darker the room grew and the hotter the flames became. Hitomi's creator displayed a rare case of I-can't-let-her-die-I-created-her-ness and tried to warn her but she ignored her.

Miss Y had had enough. "What did you say?" she hissed sinisterly. Hitomi realized that she had made a huge mistake just in time for her to eyes to go big and her face to pale before Miss Y knocked her senseless with a very strong left hook.

Hitomi jolted awake when she hit the floor. Her head was spinning a bit but she still glanced around the room. No one else was in it and the only light came from the TV. The door opened slowly.

"Hey," Hitomi's creator said looking down at her creation, which was still sprawled across the floor. "Are you feeling ok?"

"Hmm… Oh, oh yeah. But my head really hurts, thanks for that." Hitomi wasn't very pleased that her creator had just stood there and let a customer beat her up without doing anything just because she was a customer. You would think that she would at least feel a little loyalty to her. But _no_, that would affect their income and that was unthinkable.

"Alright I should have tested the tutu out a bit more but I had no idea that it would do this to you."

Hitomi stared up at her for several moments. This was senseless. Her creator wasn't… she didn't… "What do you mean?"

"Oh crap. The tutu, you know the one you used to go back in time, it really drained your strength. I'm going to work on it a bit more but that doesn't mean we're giving up." Her creator clenched her fist and marched to her room.

Hitomi stumbled onto the couch holding her head. The tutu knocked her out? So all that…never happened. She never saw Ino dressed in the worlds most obviously crappy disguise. She didn't have majorly hot sasunaru pictures that any yaoi fan would kill for. Naruto and Sasuke might not even be gay for each other as far as she knew. It was all just a messed up dream.

"Oh Hitomi," her creator had stopped at the door way and was looking back at her.

"Yeah."

"Please don't upset our customers. They're mostly fans and ninjas and all of them are dangerous."

Hitomi stared at the door. Why had her creator said that? It was so random. Unless…

The twilight zone theme song started to play in her head.

AN: I don't own Naruto, Harry Potter, or SpongeBob, I don't even like SpongeBob.

*This chapter was requested by 1hellyeahz1. I hope you liked it and won't yell at me for putting your name down. I can take it off if it's not okay.

*This chapter's word was SENSELESS: (adj) 1 destitute or deprived of sensation; unconscious. 2. lacking mental perception, appreciation, or comprehension. 3. stupid or foolish, as persons or actions. 4. nonsensical or meaningless, as words.

*The following is the original ending. Tell me what you think.

"I'm blaming this on that episode."

Miss Y looked at her, "Episode?" Hitomi and her creator looked at each other with oh-crap-what are-we-going-to-do expressions. They came up with the same and only possible solution. They had to lie, lie, lie, and then lie some more.

"You know how the day of your final exam some kid knocked them into… each other? Well I had a friend who saw that and she freaked out completely."

"It started some kind of disorder," Hitomi chimed in. She put her hand over her heart, looked down, and shook her head. "It's tragic really."

"Since then it's happened again. In fact, it's happened so often we just started calling them all episodes. It helps us keep things straight. Plus, it's not as embarrassing for her."

"I've heard it's a pretty common condition."

"Yes, but please don't tell anyone we told you." Both girls focused their most powerful puppy dog eyes at Miss Y.

"What does that have to do with _these_?" She gestured to the pictures.

"It's a private joke." Hitomi spout out.

"A bad one, my apologies." Her creator said with her arms in a half pleading half shrugging position. Without any proof they were lying Miss Y could only smile, with narrowed eyes, and leave, after paying of course. Even after she was several miles down the road both girls kept waving at her retreating figure.

"Condition? And to think you can me the senseless one." Hitomi huffed

"At least I actually came up with something. I mean what was that? 'It's tragic really,'" She mocked. "What do you think this is, one of those old black and white detective shows?"

"What?"

"Never mind." She slid the papers into their proper file.

*The "condition" that was referred to is what I imagine both yaoi fans and haters go through but for different reasons, obviously.


	5. Failure is Hard to Take

**In an undisclosed location,**

**In a pure white room,**

**Staring into space,**

Obviously Hitomi was not paying attention. She was supposed to be learning a life lesson. Unfortunately, for her, her brain was detained.

It was watching the never-before-seen performance by the Crazy Candy Canes. Before that show no one knew the 'Canes' could pull off a kickline while squirrels tap danced on their heads, the squirrels had perfected their jazz hands. It was spectacular.

In the meantime Hitomi was saying "yeah" and "no" when her boss paused during her lecture. Suddenly Hitomi sound herself on the floor with a big bruise forming on her forehead. She stared dumbstruck at her creator from the floor.

"What do you mean, '**no**'?" Hitomi's creator yelled, apparently this lecture was an important one. She continued in a calmer voice, "Listen well Hitomi, I may appear to be just an average ordinary teenager." The room suddenly went dark. Lightning flashed, illuminating her figure and revealing that her eyes had turned red. Her voice too, had deepened to a demonic tone. "But to you I am the all almighty, all knowing goddess of your universe. You will not question or challenge me." The lights turned back on and she tilted her head, closed her eyes, and smiled sweetly. "Okay?"

Poor little Hitomi had not paid that warning any attention. She was too busy checking the 'Canes' for injuries and trying to convince the squirrels to come down from the ceiling.

_Three weeks later the all almighty, all knowing goddess would smite Hitomi. It could have been avoided if Hitomi had just paid attention. Oh well._

**In an undisclosed location,**

**In a pure white room,**

**Sitting in a large throne-like chair,**

Hitomi's creator sat. She was dressed in a black suit and had her legs crossed at the ankles. She folded her hands in her lap and licked her lips. Altogether she appeared a little nervous and a little formal. She was careful to keep her voice calm and to give it a British accent.

"Hello readers. I know it has been far too long and for that I'm _very _sorry. I have an explanation, and I will say it, but I know that doesn't make up for any disappointment that you might have felt."

She interrupted herself and dropped the accent, "But let's be realistic there are a ton of Naruto fanfics on this site alone. I'm sure you managed to fill the gap somehow."

The accent returned, "So to show my regrets I will let you do whatever you want to Hitomi with one condition; she is _my _ninja, I created her, so I need her able to do missions and for that she can't be too badly scarred for life. This counts for both her body and her mind. Also, please do not break any laws while punishing her. I will not be held responsible and if you get caught I will do what any concerned and shocked guardian would do and sue you for everything you're worth and then some. Other than that go on, do whatever you want.

"Now for my explanation. Recently my imagination was wished away and stolen by goblins. That was of course after a hot white-blond wizard cast a spell on me. Sadly my imagination wasn't the only thing that was taken away from me. I have some teachers that held an Evil Teachers of America, ETA for short, conference recently and they came to the conclusion that research papers, ten page papers, and multiple projects are just the thing to zap all the life out of their students. Did you know they are collecting our 'life forces' to turn the summer into winter to eliminate recess and summer vacation? Any ways if you want to 'forget' to do something for them and save your life that's fine. I'm not responsible. To further make my life miserable a piece of glass decided that it liked staying in my foot, thankfully a doctor banished it. And have I mentioned I've been studying history with the Doctor, not the one who banished the glass."

She stopped and sucked in a large gulp of air before rushing on. "Now I know you don't care about all of that so I'll get on with the important stuff. There have been some requests for us to go and investigate Jirahya. If you've read the manga or watched the anime, and considering you're reading Naruto fanfiction you have, you know that he tends to…mysteriously disappear so that he can …well you know what he does, he's a 'super' perv. This makes him very hard to find. So we haven't been able to do that _yet_. But we will, I promise. In the mean time I have sent Hitomi on another mission. She'll be returning shortly with the black- information" There was a long pause while her eyes darted around. "That is to say she will be return shortly with the chocolate chip cookies. Yeah that's much better."

TWO HOURS LATER:

Hitomi's creator was slouched over her chair with a little trail of drool sliding down her check and onto the floor where a puddle would soon be forming. She was sleeping like one of the many random ninja in Naruto. That is to say she was sleeping like the dead or the doomed because if your face isn't visible you're defiantly not going to make it.

When the door began to open she twitched but didn't open her eyes. However, another pair of eyes peered in. They paused on her form but darted to make sure nothing was blocking her path. The door opened farther and the person slipped inside.

She moved across the floor dramatically with flips and a pair of black sunglasses on. When she got halfway across the room the person in the chair moved. Hitomi froze and stared. In Hitomi's demented little mind a dart shot out from her eyes and landed perfectly in the neck of the evil tormenter otherwise known as her torturer or her creator. In the real world her creator just turned to face the other way, which was kind of interesting considering that to do this she had to arch her back and that should have knocked her off the chair, which would have been really funny but really bad.

_Anyways_, Hitomi now was moments away from opening the second door and being free to hide the evidence.

Just then a huge cage with thick metal bars slammed down from the sky. (Ok it didn't come from the sky but it might as well have.) Red lights spun around and sirens screamed. Hitomi covered her eyes and then her ears and then her eyes again before realizing she couldn't do both at the same time. With this epiphany she covered her ears and curled into a ball. It made her look like a crumpled wounded creature since she was still standing.

Hitomi screamed, "What's going on? What's this," she shook the bars, still trying to cover her ears. Her creator charged the cage, gripped the bars, and pressed her face close. The red lights scrapped across her face making her look like a blood thirsty demon, which she sort of was. When Hitomi spun around and saw this she screamed again. "What do you want from me? Why are you wearing cat ears?"

Hitomi's creator did not answer her. "SILENCE! Give it to me!"

Hitomi pushed away from the bars that she held in a death grip and pushed her back into the bars on the other side. Her hands once again were holding the bars in a death grip. She was treating her creator like some horror movie mass murder and of course she was the beautiful innocent soon to be victim.

Hitomi had two voices screaming in her head; one in fear the other in anger. Any sane person would have listened to the scared smart one but since she had voices in her head it was clear she wasn't sane.

"NO!" Hitomi screamed.

"WHAT?"

"I SAID NO!"

"WHAT!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

Her creator glared at her and dramatically pushed a button. Hitomi cringed and waited to be squashed. Instead of Hitomi dying by some terrible fate the sirens stopped. "Alright now, what did you say?"

"NO!"

"Geeze do you have to shout?"

"I THINK I'M DEAF OR SOMETHING!"

"If only. Now seriously hand over what you found." Hitomi's creator had one hand on her hip and the other waiting for Hitomi to drop something into it.

"No I'm not going to."

Hitomi's creator sneered at her. She took a big step back and held out her arm. Then she uncurled her fist and let a long black cord hang down. At the end of this cord was a shiny red whistle. "You asked for it," she said in an uncaring voice and then she slowly raised it to her lips. Just when the whistle rested on her bottom lip she peered up from under lashes at Hitomi and raised an eyebrow. _Last chance._

Hitomi raised her chin and locked her jaw. Then the whistle blew.

Once again the big weird men were back. "Boys she's refusing an order," Hitomi's creator spoke like a tough and confident feline fatale while wearing cat ears and a To-Err-is-Human-to-Arrr-is-Pirate T shirt. Hitomi briefly wondered how she could pull that off because when she tried it while wearing that stupid cursed logic defying tutu not even a mouse had been frightened. "Convince her otherwise," Hitomi's creator finished.

Hitomi had broken out of her day dream just in time to see the men stomp their feet down and dramatically draw feathers out of their uniforms. "What the…" They attacked.

They surrounded the cage and waved their feathers everywhere. Hitomi soon couldn't breath from laughing so much.

The whistle gave out a short note and all the men stopped. Hitomi's creator stared at her. "Do you give up?"

"Never," Hitomi gasped.

"Step two, boys." The whistle blew again. The men put away the feathers and pulled out water balloons. Hitomi had no idea where they came from but she had a feeling that she didn't want to know. Within seconds she was soaked.

The whistle blew again. "Now?"

"Never," Hitomi replied between her chattering teeth.

Her creator gasped dramatically and rushed to the cage. She grabbed the bars and leaned her head against them. She spoke in a soft desperate voice, "Hitomi please just give in already. They can't put honey and feathers on you when you're wet so they have to…they have to…do other things. Terrible things."

"I will never give in." Hitomi hissed.

Her creator shot up and stumbled back. "No, Hitomi." She turned her head away and lifted up the whistle.

It mercilessly blew once more.

The most adorable, soft, cute, heavenly stuffed animals appeared en mass. But along with them came chainsaws, flamethrowers, giant scissors, and a little five year old girl swamped in pink and glitter. A metal clamp emerged from one of the bars and gripped Hitomi's head. It held her eyes open while the terrible devices of mass destruction descended on the precious stuffies.

The rooms trembled with Hitomi's screams and dirt fell from the ceiling. Then it was quiet.

When Hitomi's creator turned around the only sign of the destruction that took place was the victim herself. Hitomi was curled in a ball trembling and whimpering. Her creator slowly approached. Her hand rested on Hitomi's head. "There there it's over now."

Hitomi shuddered, "How can it be possible the way they burned and and that brat… that monster how did she do that?"

"I know it was horrible. But Hitomi you can stop this stuff from happening all you have to do is give me your results."

"No I won't if I give up now all that would have happened for no reason."

Her creator turned away from the cage, "Hitomi you've seen a lot of terrible things today and it's not going to end until you surrender. Barney's next."

The men who had not been a waiting their orders jumped. One of the bravest spoke up in a squeaky voice, "But… but milady to do that…it's too much. The damage it would cause. Please, please don't make us do that to another human being. We wouldn't even wish that on Orochimaru."

"Enough! I know what I'm doing. I don't like it either but this is Gaara we're talking about. If it was anyone else I wouldn't do it but have you even met one of his fans. They're…they're, you can't deny them."

Hitomi sat up in her cage. Her hand trembled as she held a manila envelope through the bars. Her creator looked at her with sad eyes and smiled softly. She gently took it from her. "Thank you Hitomi I'm so glad you..." Her eyes went wide before narrowing on the paper inside. "What have you done!"

The men, who had never been dismissed, began to tremble. "This…This is NOT Gaara's secrets. There is nothing wrong here, not even a hair out of place. You let all that happen because of… The toys were…the five year old. Do you understand what you've done!"

"There was nothing I could do he…"

"No not one more word from you…you FANGIRL!"

Upon hearing this the men fled. To disobey the Master was one thing. She would punish you but it would be understandable, it would be merciful. But to fangirl a target was…it was just unthinkable. You didn't do it. The men pounded on the door but it wouldn't open. They franticly tried to escape but were trapped. With no other options they turned horrified to watch Hitomi's fate unfold.

The lights began to flicker.

Hitomi curled into the fetal position.

Cracks spread along the floor in front of the Master.

A twisted grin slid onto the Master's face.

The temperature spiked up.

Her eyes lit up with an unholy light.

The scene began to blur, whether from the heat or from their tears the men didn't know.

The Master towered over Hitomi's fragile form.

Everything went black

**In an undisclosed location,**

**In a pure white room,**

**Sitting in a large throne-like chair,**

Hitomi's creator smiled. "Sorry about that. I'm sad to announce Hitomi's mission was a failure. Instead of providing us with the answers to some of your questions about Gaara, Hitomi returned with some pictures of him. For some reason they seem to be… well it looks like they were taken by a fangirl so that she could stare at them for hours and think unholy thoughts. Then again fangirls are unholy themselves so I suppose all their thoughts are unholy. I've been assured that it was all some horrible mistake. I'm sure that Hitomi will be glad to do this mission again to make up for this once she has recovered…from her mission.

"We hope you've enjoyed this chapter and as always if you have a request just say so. Have a wonderful fangirl/fanboy free day."

Was that funny? Personally I don't like this chapter. But it's necessary for Hitomi to start obsessing over Gaara; it'll come up again. So I thought I might as well do it now.

To everyone that got all those references: You are awesome, so awesome that I just can't describe how awesome you are.

For those of you who didn't get it here's an explanation. Wished away and stolen by goblins= Jim Henson's Labyrinth (It's a movie.). A hot white-blond wizard=Draco Malfoy (Harry Potter). Turning summer into winter and eliminate recess=Recess the Movie. Studying history with the Doctor = Doctor Who (awesome show).

The To-Err-is-Human-to-Arrr-is-Pirate T shirt is from Café Press. (Or at least that's where I saw it.)

Unfortunately I own none of those not even Naruto. Excuse while I cry about how much my life sucks.

Two words of the chapter:

Dramatically-dramatic: (adj) 1 of or pertaining to drama, 2 employing the form or manner of drama, 3 characteristic of or pertaining to drama, esp. in involving conflict or contrast; vivid; moving, 4 highly effective, striking.

Detained-detain: (verb used with an object) 1 to keep from proceeding, keep waiting delay, 2 to keep under restraint or custody, 3 obsolete to keep back or with hold as in from a person.

One last thing, I'm currently in love with Naruto X Harry Potter crossovers. I recommend Telos by Abstracted and From one to the other by IReadNoNonsense. There's also a more serious version of From one to the other by a different author but I can't remember the title.


End file.
